The BBC and Master Computer Public Domain Library
Humour
Submitted by Victor Thomas
16/01/2001
GLOSSARY OF MEDICAL TERMSARTERY The Study of Painting
BACTERIA Back Door to a Cafeteria
BARIUM What you do to doctors' failures
BOWEL A letter like A E I O U
CAESAREAN A district of Rome
CATSCAN Searching for Kitty
CAUTERISE Made eye-contact with her
COLIC A sheepdog
COMA A Punctuation mark
CONGENITAL Friendly
D & C Where Washington is
DILATE To live long
ENEMA Not a friend
GENITAL Not Jewish
GI SERIES Soldiers ballgame
GRIPPE Suitcase
HANGNAIL Coat Hook
HIGH COLONIC Jewish Religious holiday
IMPOTENT Distinguished, well known
LABOUR PAIN Getting hurt at work
MEDICAL STAFF A doctor's cane
MORBID A higher offer
NITRATE Cheaper than day rate
NODE Well aware of
OUTPATIENT A person who has fainted
PAP SMEAR Fatherhood Test
PELVIS Cousin of Elvis
POST OPERATIVE Letter Carrier
PROSTATE Flat on your back
RECOVERY ROOM Place to do upholstery
RECTUM Damned nearly killed them
RHEUMATIC Amorous
SECRETION Hiding something
SEIZURE A Roman emperor
TABLET Small table
TERMINAL ILLNESS Getting Sick at the airport
TIBIA Country in North Africa
TUMOUR More than one more
URINE Opposite to you're out
VARICOSE Nearby
VEIN Conceited
NICE LADY
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat
down,
but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and
hands it back.
Oh my, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in
place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you." They enjoy a wonderful
dinner together, and afterwards the woman invites him to the theatre
followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him
if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay
for breakfast the next morning.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed!! Everything had been incredible! You know," he
said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you
meet?"
No, she replies.........
"You just happened to catch my eye."
How to work a cash machine
Male procedure
1. Drive up to the cash machine
2. Wind down the window
3. Insert card into the machine and enter PIN
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6. Wind up window
7. Drive off
Female procedure
1. Drive up to cash machine
2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine
3. Restart the stalled engine
4. Wind down window
5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card
6. Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror
7. Attempt to insert card in machine
8. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to it's excessive
distance from car
9. Insert card
10. Insert card right way up
11. Re-enter hand bag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside
12. Enter PIN
13. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN
14. Enter amount of cash required
15. Recheck make-up in rear view mirror
16. Retrieve cash and receipt
17. Empty handbag again to locate purse and replace cash inside
18. Place receipt in back of cheque book
19. Recheck make-up again
20. Drive forward 2 metres
21. Reverse back to cash machine
22. Retrieve card
23. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, place card in slot provided
24. Recheck make-up
25. Restart stalled engine
26. Drive for 3 or 4 miles
27. Release handbrake
A FEW QUOTATIONS
1. Do not tell me what I mean, let me work it out for myself.
2. Those of you who think you know everything are annoying those of us who do.
3. I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realise that what you heard is not what I meant.
4. As the date of the acceptance has been amended back to what it was amended in the first place, it would seem reasonable to accept the most recent amendment which, in fact, amounts to no amendment at all.
5. Just when I knew all life's answers they changed the questions.
6. I am just catching up with yesterday. Tomorrow I shall be ready for today.
7. I 'd enjoy the day more if it started later.
8. Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.
9. Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
10. When all else fails, read the instructions.
11. The man who can smile when something goes wrong has thought of someone he can blame.
12. TV commercials are educational. They teach you how stupid the advertisers think you are.
13. People usually get what is coming to them - unless it is posted.
14. If you are not totally confused, you do not fully understand the question.
15. A Committee is a group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
16. We the unwilling, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much, for so long, with so little, we are now qualified to do anything with nothing.
TOASTERS
If IBM made toasters ...
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be
submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five,
maybe six toasters
If Xerox made toasters ... You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive
slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.
If Oracle made toasters ... They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all
brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel
Engine was still in development, the Croissant extension was three years away,
and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters ... They would market the Reverse Toaster,
which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.
If Sony made toasters ... The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the
single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to
your belt.
And, of course: If Microsoft made toasters ... Every time you bought a loaf
of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster,
but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster '95 would weigh 15000 pounds
(hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to
power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to
be the first toaster that lets you control how
light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your
other appliances to find out who made them.
Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since
most of the good bread only works with their toasters.
If Apple made toasters ... It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does,
but 5 years earlier, but no one would buy it any way ....
If SAP made toasters ... The manual to run the toaster would be
approximately 10,000 pages long. The toaster would come with 2,500 switches
which would all have to be set in an exact pattern and in a precise sequence
in order to toast specific kinds of bread. Each pattern would be established
by SAP's experts as the "Best Practices" method of toasting that kind
of bread. It would take a team of basis and functional contractors about 1 year
to configure the toaster in the best manner and then another 6 months to test
it. In the meantime, your entire family
would need to attend extensive training classes on how to
use the new toaster. In order to support end users and consultants, MIT would
establish a list-serv for people to post questions and answers regarding toaster
set-up and operation. Of course, the online help would randomly pop up in German.
But once it was running, you would have spent your whole salary installing it.
Then it would be time to install a newer version....
SIGNS OF THE TIMES
Here are some 'signs of the times'....
1. You have the same password to access all 10 systems.
2. You haven't played patience with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail your work colleague at the desk next to you to ask "Do you
fancy going down the pub?" and they reply "Yeah, give me five minutes".
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South America, but you
haven't spoken to your next door neighbour yet this year.
6. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date.
7. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have
e-mail addresses.
8. You consider Royal Mail painfully slow or call it "snail mail".
9. Your idea of being organised is multiple coloured post-it notes.
10. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
11. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in
a business manner.
12. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9"
to get an outside line.
13. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different
companies.
14. Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
15. Your CV is on a diskette in your pocket.
16. You really get excited about a 1.7% pay rise.
17. You learn about your redundancy on the 9 o'clock news.
18 your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose all your best jokes.
19. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
20. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service
awards.
21. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World
countries annual budgets combined.
22. It's dark when you drive to and from work, even in the summer.
23. You know exactly how many days you've got left until you retire.
24. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or
experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.
25. You see a good looking, smart person and you know it must be a visitor.
26. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
27. The work experience person gets a brand-new state-of-the-art
laptop with all the features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours
powers up.
28. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.
29 You're already late on the assignment you just got.
30 There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department
is short of, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising
your boss's boss on strategy.
31. Your boss's favourite lines are: When you've got a few
minutes...Could you fit this in...?...in your spare time...
when you're freed up.....I know you're busy but...I have an
opportunity for you
32. Holiday is something you roll over to next year.
33. Every week another brown collection envelope comes round because someone
you didn't know had started is leaving.
34. You wonder who's going to be left to put into your 'leaving'
collection.
35. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with
computers".
36. The only reason you recognise your kids is because their pictures are on
your desk.
37. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
38. You read this entire list, kept nodding and smiling.
39. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your
"mates you send jokes to" group.
40. It crosses your mind that your mates may have seen this
list already, but you can't be bothered to check so you forward it anyway.
METRIC TIME WORKING
As doubtless you have read in the National Press, from 1st January 2005 the
whole of the United Kingdom (but excluding the Isle of Man) will be converted
to Metric Time Working (MTW).
Following the introduction of MTW there will be 10 seconds to the minute; 10
minutes to the hour; 10 hours to the day an so on, delineated as follows:-
OLD TIME CONVERTED TIME
1 second 1 milliday
1 minute 1 centiday
1 hour 1 deciday ( 1 millimonth)
1 day 1 day
1 week 1 dekaday
1 month 1 hectoday
1 year 1 kiloday
Obviously from the Departmental standpoint as one new hour represents only 5/12ths of an old hour, members of the staff may be expected to work longer hours, e.g. 3-1/4 decidays (or millimonths) per day. However, for administrative and pay roll purposes, it is intended to reduce the mid-day break by ¾ of a new hour (3/4 decidays) thus making an MTW working day equal to 4 new days.
There will be no alteration to either wages or saleries due to the introduction of MTW except in the special case of Leap Kilodays when adjustments will be made at the end of 1.46 decamonths.
Leave entitlement will remain unchanged under MTW. However the following may
prove helpful to staff:-
If the officer's leave entitlement was 22 (pre MTW) days, he will now receive
220 decidays (or 1 hectoday plus 20 decidays for every hectoday over and above
20 kilodays service since the 10th deciday of the third hectoday at the instigation
of MTW) or whichever is more convenient bearing in mind the exigencies of the
Service.
Bank Holidays and Privilege days will of course have to be reduced to 5 decidays,
but 10 demisemi-decidays will be added to the Christmas entitlement which will
fall on the 1st April 2005 (27.5 hectodays being added to allow for MTW adjustments)
Staff will quickly realise that Saturdays and Mondays will become transposed. It is pointed out that the "Monday Feeling" will now be felt on Saturday and should not afect the new MTW decaday.
Your immediate Supervising Officer will be available on Sunday the pre-MTW Wednesday to answer and/or explain MTW further. Your supervisor has been allotted 3 demi-decidays per 100 staff for this purpose
It cannot be emphasised too strongly thatstrict adherance to MTW is mandatory. Staff will soon realise that it is (the long term) a far simpler time measurement.
BUSINESS DICTIONARY
To Expedite: To compound confusion with emotion.
Channels: Trails left by inter-office memos.
Consultant or Expert: Any ordinary guy more than 50 miles from home.
To Activate: To make carbons and add more names to the memo.
To Implement a Programme: Hire more people and expand the office.
Under Consideration: Never hear of it.
Under Active Consideration: We are looking in the files for it.
A Meeting: A mass milling of masterminds.
A Conference: A place where conversation is substituted for the
dreariness of labour and the loneliness of thought.
To Negotiate: To seek the meeting of minds without the knocking
together of heads.
Re-Orientation: Getting used to working again.
Reliable Source: The guy you have just met.
Informed Source: The guy who told the guy you have just met.
Unimpeachable Source: The guy who started the rumour originally.
A Clarification: To fill in the background with so much detail that
the foreground goes underground.
We are Making a Survey: We need more time to make up an answer.
Note and Initial: Let's the responsibility for this around.
See Me and Let's Discuss: Come along to my office, I'm lonely.
Let's Get Together on This: I am assuming you are as confused as I am.
Will Advise in Due Course: If we manage to figure it out, we will let you know.
Give Us the Benefit of Your Present Thinking: We'll listen to what you have
to
say as long as it does not interfere
with what we have already decided
to do
LEARNING CHINESE
That's not right . Sum Ting Wong
Are you harboring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me ASAP. Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man Dum Gai
Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table. Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a face lift. Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here. Wai So Dim?
I thought you were on a diet. Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone. No Pah King
Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
You are not very bright. Yu So Dum
I got this for free Ai No Pei
Please stay a while longer. Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week. Wai Yu Kum Nao?
They have arrived. Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight. Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile. Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive. Yu Stin Ki Pu
A burglar broke into a house one night,he shone his flashlight around,
looking for valuables,when he picked up a c.d.player to place in his sack
a strange disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying "Jesus is watching
you "
he nearly jumped out of his skin,clicked his flashlight out and froze.
when he hear nothing more after a bit,he shook his head,clicked his light
back on
and began searching for more valuables,just as he pulled the stereo out so
he could
disconnect the wires,clear as a bell he heard,"Jesus is watching you"
freaked out he
shone his light around frantically,looking for the source of the
voice,finally,in the corner
of the room,his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot,"did you say that?"
he hissed at
the parrot,"yep,"the parrot confessed,"I'm just trying to warn
you"the
burglar relaxed,
"warn me,huh?who in the world are you?" "Moses,"replied
the bird,"Moses the
burglar
laughed,"what kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"
"probably the same kind of people that would name their rottweiler Jesus"the
bird answered
SELF CERTIFICATION CERTIFICATE
APPLICATION TO BE ILL
This form must be submitted at least 21 days before the date on which you wish the illness to commence.
NAME ………………….
DEPARTMENT …………………… POSITON HELD ……………………..
NATURE OF ILLNESS ……………………
DATE ON WHICH YOU WISH THE ILLNESS TO START …………………….
HAVE YOU EVER SUFFERED FROM THIS ILNESS BEFORE ……………….
DO YOU WISH THE ILLNES TO BE SLIGHT/SEVERE/CRIPPLING/FATAL…….
IF FATAL, DO YOU WISH THIS TO BE CONSIDERED A PERMANENT DISABILITY ………
(Applicants wishing to suffer a fatal illness should indicate at the foot of this form whether they wish the Hospital Board of Directors to be represented at the funeral}.
DO YOU WISH TO SUFFER THIS ILLNESS AT HOME, HOSPITAL, COSTA BRAVA, FLORIDA
OR BOGNOR REGIS ………………………………
DO YOU WISH THIS ILLNESS TO BE OF A CONAGIOUS NATURE………………
IF YES, INDICATE THE APPROXIMATE NUMBER OIF PEIPLE YOU WISH TO INFECT……..
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN REFUSED PERMISSION TO SUFFER FROM THIS ILLNESS ………
IF YES, PLEASE GIVE DETAILS…………….
DO YOU WISH YOUR WIFE/HUSBAND TO BE INFORMED OF YOUR ILLNESS IF SHE/HE SHOULD CONTACT THE HOSPITAL REGARDING YOUR WHEREABOUTS………………?
I, the undersigned, declare that to the best of my knowledge the answers given above are true and accurate.
SIGNED ………………………………. DATE ………………………
Applicants are reminded that all requests are considered on merit and more than three applications per annum will be considered excessive, and not in best interests of the Hospital.
In NO CIRCUMSTANCES will permission be given for more than one fatal illness per applicant.
Form SCC/1
01/12/00
LANGUAGE FOR EUROPE
Having chosen English as the preferred EC language, the European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving the efficiency in communications between various Government departments.
European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessarily difficult. For example: cough, plough, rough, through, and thorough. What is clearly needed is phased programme of changes to iron out these anomalies. A committee of staff at top level would of course, administer the programme by the participating nations.
In the first year for example the committee would suggest using 's' instead of the soft 'c' . Sertainly sivil servants in all sites would reseive this news with joy.. The hard 'c' could be replased by 'k', since both letters are pronounced the alike. Not only would this klear up confusions in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters would be made with one less letter.
There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year it as announsed that the troublesome 'ph' would hensforth be written 'f'. This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty per sent shorter in print.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reash the stage where more komplicated shanges are possible Governments would enkourage the removal of 'double letters' which have a deterrent on akurate speling.
We would all agree that the horible mess of silent 'e's in the laguag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had happened. By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and people would be reseptiv to steps sush as replacing 'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be takn on by 'v' vitsh is after al half of 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o' kud be droped from words kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplied to ozer kombinations of leters.
Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten styl. After Tventi yers zer vud be no mor trublsm difikultis and evrivum vud fin it ezi to unterstand ech ozer. Ze drems of ze Fuhrer vud finali hav kum tru.
BOY, WHY I 'M TIRED…….
Boy, am I tired. For years I have blamed it on middle age, poor blood, lack of vitamins, air pollution and other maladies that make you wonder if life is worth it.
I have found out its not that - it is because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 51 million.
21 million are retired that leaves 30 million to do the work
19 million at school. that leaves 11 million to do the work.
2 million unemployed that leaves 9 million to do the work
4 million are employed by the Government that leaves 5 million to do the work
1 million are in the Armed Forces that leaves 4 million to do the work
3 million are employed by councils that leaves 1 million to do the work
620,000 in hospital that leaves 380 thousand to do the work.
379,998 in prison that leaves 2 people to do the work You & me.
You are sitting on your backside reading this!
No wonder I'm bloody tired!